How you doing?

I am having so much anxiety about my job these days and yet I feel I really have no right to complain. After all I am employed and my home life is wonderful. He treats me so well and cares so strongly for me I feel like the most fortunate girl in the world when I am with my family.

Things are moving along nicely with His girl. We are developing a friendship independent of Him which is also quite nice. He even bought me a cell phone for Christmas so that we can text each other during the day.

He caught me fingering myself the other day - the morning after we had dinner with her - and so I do have a punishment coming. He has decided that she will be part of my punishment so I am super nervous. I have to admit to her on my knees that I was fingering myself while thinking about sucking His cum out of her cunt and ask her forgiveness for using her to get off. Then He will beat me in front of her - I’m guessing with his belt. I am kind of twisted about it. Nervous as hell to be so exposed and vulnerable in front of His girl. She is so much stronger than I am.

The past few days He has been getting creative with how he tortures me. Nothing too extreme though the other day he decided to beat me using knotted anchor line. It was scary as hell. He started out by peeing on me then tied me down beat the hell out of me with the anchor line and fucked my ass. No way to really make that sound pretty. When he was spent he flipped me over and caned the inside of my thighs. I really though he was going to break something with the anchor line. It hurt like hell and was making the worst kind of thudding sound as it hit me. Ironically as bad as it was I have really minimal bruising.

Last night He had me rim Him until He came them scooped His cum off my tits and fed it to me. Honestly I do not mind drinking cum straight from the source but once it hits the air not much squicks me more. I almost prefer tonguing His ass.

I really wanted some affection last night. Maybe some cuddling and some petting but it was not going to happen. I should have known really that he was not in the mood but I was hopeful.

We have no plans for NYE. We never go out on New Years anymore. The roads are crazy and we like to stay close to home in case something happens with one of the boys. This year they will both be out and I was thinking of checking with His girl to see if she wants to have a sleep over. I am unsure about asking though because I do not want to seem too forward. I feel like lately I am almost more interested in being social than He is. I wonder if things are somehow less enticing when you know that you can dictate exactly the outcome you want. Maybe it is more fun when you have to work for your fantasies instead of having two slutty girls willing to do whatever you want. I would have thought He would be living every man’s fantasy but honestly He just seems kind of blasé.

Bedroom Slavery...

Do you know that I never really considered that others might take offense at my description of myself as a 24/7 submissive and bedroom slave. First off – why would anyone really care how I identify myself? Secondly – what is so difficult about understanding the separation?

I suppose that I could legitimately identify myself as a 24/7 slave. I never truly deny Him His wishes. However I make the distinction based on the fact that while I serve Him always I have a voice in decisions that are made outside of sexual and disciplinary activities.

There are absolutely times when He will ask for something domestic and I will ask for a few minutes or suggest an alternative. Routine daily activities are an expectation and He trusts in my ability to meet His creature comforts – but many of the choices are mine to make – when I do my work and the food I prepare are at my discretion.

Not only does He not find it necessary to micromanage my activities outside the bedroom (bedroom being a euphemism for sexual activity regardless of location), but He does not consider them at all. He merely expects that His needs for comfort will be met and they are.

Hence use of the term submission – not slavery.

On the other hand…

When He calls me to the kitchen and tells me to remove His boots and suck His dick when He comes in from work there is no choice. I get on my knees take His boots off and start sucking. If He decides to hit me, wipe His cock all over my face, shove His dick down my throat until I am choking and cum all over my face – well then – that is what happens.

He fucks me when He wants to, where He wants to and how He wants to. He beats me when He feels moved to. Clips my nipples, stuffs my ass, pees on me, chokes me, dp, atm – whatever.

And while I understand the concept of free will – it was my choice to abdicate control over my sexuality to this Man.

Hence – ‘bedroom’ slave.

Not a problem.

Her

Dinner with the co-worker last night was intense. I think she got the point that I am willing to talk and guide but there would be no physical interaction. Sad to say really because she is quite a dish - but I really do not think it is a smart career move to become involved physically with someone in the workplace. Alas.

He is out with his girl tonight. At her house. I spent the evening with my brother and now I am just running laundry. Quite blah actually.

I'll shower soon to be ready for when He comes in. It is outstanding when He comes to use me smelling like her. The anticipation has me a hot mess.

Needy

I am needy as hell right now - probably more for some rubbing and something sensual in nature rather than an all out pain fest - but I recognize the feeling all the same. I need love - acceptance - grounding...

I wonder what I will get.

Honestly right now it doesn't look like I will be getting much in the way of affection tonight in any form.

BTDubbs - The co-worker and her significant other are coming to my house for dinner Friday night.

The ice is thin in them thar parts...

Co-workers

I have always been somewhat opposed to mingling with my co-workers. Prefering to keep my social life seperated from my work life has been somewhat of a policy in fact.

Till now...

For the past couple of years I have worked, closely at times, with a really awesome young girl. Though she is about 12 years younger than I we get along quite well.

She is interested in bondage and discipline - and having that interest recoginzed my collar for what it was. She knows we are in the life and I think may be seeking something of a mentor in me.

We have now gone out a couple of times with our significant partners - once to a sex museum - once for dinner and once as part of a larger group for drinks.

Breaking my cardinal rule of never drinking with co-workers.

She told me she got a virus from trying to look at bondage porn online - poor girl. Asked me for some links or something.

Much as I enjoy her company though I think this may be dangerous territory.

Did I mention He has the hots for her big time and she makes me gooey as hell.

Yeah

I spoke to soon...

My nipples are killing me.

I HATE CALL OF DUTY

Um 1 went to visit Um 2 at college for the weekend...

Here I am thinking that means lots of yummy kinky fun.

There sits Sir thinking - oh no one is around to bug me while I spend the night playing Call of Duty...

Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture?

Willing, flexible kinky slut ready and waiting over here...

Wake the fuck up man...

Thursday's News

My job is sucking the life out of me. The kids are great and I love the material I am teaching but my administration is making everyone's life a living hell this year...

He does not know what to do with my misery.

I would feel better with some expectations and a firm hand - He is supporting me by making lunch and snuggling.

It is hard to complain when He is trying to help me out and be supportive.

I've gone to work a few times with some writing on me this year - I like that - I like being able to go into the bathroom and see His love displayed on my body in that way.

Those low rise pants though are a killer - after realizing some guy was staring at me in a 7-11 I learned that you could actually read "XXX's Cum Slut" when I bent over.

Never really had that problem before I started wearing those pants.... oopsie.

My youngin' turns 18 today - I am sad to not be spending his birthday with him - this growing up shit blows.

The Social Scene Continued

I may have been a touch coercive in trying to get Him to venture outside His comfort zone and take me to the club. Really we live smack dab in a virtual hub of alternative activity and literally never socialize with like minded individuals. At least not openly like minded – though we have our suspicions we skirt the conversations carefully. We are probably the most extreme even in our moderate activity.


Any how after a painful family party Saturday we came home to regenerate then left the house around 10:45 for the short drive to the club. This place gets a lot of press in BDSM chat and blogs and has a pretty friendly (that’s a hint) website. His girl used to go there fairly frequently in the past but stopped a few years ago because she was turned off by the number of single males walking around jerking off – though I understand that situation has been dealt with to some degree. Frankly I do not think that would bug me all that much but whatever –


Not really being familiar with the situation or set up we decided to park two blocks away and walk over to the club. We stopped a half a block away so we could get a feel for the type of people entering – leaned up against some scaffolding and started people watching….


Here is where I start sounding like a superficial bitch –


Initially we only say men entering – fine – but I am not all that interested in being the only girl in a sausage factory so we decided to give it a few more minutes to see if there would be any girls showing. Finally a girl showed up who looked fine – normal girl in jeans and a pony tail – pretty much standard. I am getting ready to go in….


Up the block comes a guy in red sweatpants, from a distance my impression is one of Igor…. Short, hunched, dirty and in red sweatpants? I am paying money to party with this guy? Oh god – I get that people often change into their gear when they get into the club (though it would be perfectly acceptable in my neck of the woods to walk the streets in it) but I do not think that people who would appear in public even for a minute in red sweatpants – let alone arrive at a club in them – is the type of person I want beating my ass or even watching my ass get beaten.


The two of us pretty much just cracked up – He starts dragging his leg behind Him as we start up the block – and we were done. We never would have been able to contain ourselves at this point anyway – imagine if we went in and he was still wearing the sweatpants? We’d be thrown out fer shure….


Passing closer a nice looking elderly couple emerged. In their sixties, if a day, which is fine, I will be there sooner that I would like to admit – and I imagine I will still be getting tied down, beaten and choked with dick ------ BUT she was wearing a MuuMuu.


Seriously – red sweatpants and now a MuuMuu.


It’s Saturday night, in one of the best cities in the world, you are in the FASHION DISTRICT for fucks sake. People are paying money to come play with you. Take a little fucking care with your personal appearance.


Now I said I was going to sound like a superficial bitch and I am not apologizing for it.


Ironically – we are going to try again during one of their regular events. Hopefully an event night will attract more of a regular group than some random night in June. But I think private events might be the way to go.


Wish I lived in Michigan or Wisconsin.

The Social Scene

He and I have never been in the scene so to speak. Even with twenty odd years under our belt of dominance and submission they have been private affairs shared only with like minded individuals who happened to be involved in relationships with us at the time. We have always been fiercely private – concerned with our social standing and cognizant of the ramifications to our boys should our lifestyle become a public matter. At the same time, those closest to us have inklings of the dynamics of our relationship - though the only one who has ever come right out and said anything directly is our youngest son. (“If you do that your going to get yourself spanked, mom.” -Of course he meant by his Father.) In addition, my sister has assured me that should anything ever happen she would back Him 100%; though it is rare that our play would have such dire consequences at this point in our lives.

Over the past year, however, my desire for more social interaction with those in the know has increased tremendously. Possibly stemming from my lack of support during the recuperation from my first surgery of the year back in August – I have unearthed a rabid desire to engage in the social scene. I discovered during that time that even though I had the support of many nilla friendships who were willing to do just about anything to help me through my incapacitation I had no one with which to discuss my deeper emotional issues.

I had gone from being His masochistic little fuck hole – to being cared for and catered to in an instant. Daily face fucking and ass torture was replaced by fruit salad and nilla nights watching movies on the couch. He probably only fucked me two or three times in two months. I discovered during this time, that as wonderful as my friends are, there really is no substitution for having a RL someone you can talk to when things are hairy in this type of a relationship. Who in my life, besides His girl, is going to understand my angst at not having my ass whipped or my back bloodied? (Incidentally – as understanding as some might think I am about His girl, I would NEVER admit to any discord in my relationship to her. Partially because I do not want her to think less of our connection, but mainly because I feel it would be disrespectful of Him to express my own concerns and dissatisfaction.)

Truth be told even now, eight months later, He has not returned to the level of use I enjoyed prior to my accident. Of course there has been, considering today, two additional surgeries during this time and almost weekly visits to different doctors so there has not been a ton of time to allow the marks to heal in between.

Point was – at the beginning of this post - that we *attempted* to go to a BDSM club this weekend. And failed.

But I have run out of time for this post – so I’ll tell you about it tomorrow….

She's Back

So His girl is back. In a big way. We had not heard much from her in the past couple of weeks - she has been adjusting to a new schedule and her life had just been hectic and tiring. I get that - She was actually really sweet when He was traveling and checked in on me a few times. Funny how even though He and I are married in addition to our dynamic - she is still above me.

They were supposed to get together last weekend and something happened - I never really asked because I figure if I was supposed to know He would tell me - but oh well....

But when she busted in on the scene this week I was not prepared. I love that He has her and that He gets to enjoy another slut - I LOVE that He uses it against me . But circumstances have not been kind to me lately and I am feeling ridiculously insecure so listening to Him recount their activities with such glee this week while leaving me untended had me feeling small and insignificant. Instead of soaking my panties with need it left me feeling like curling up in a ball and crying.

We went for a ride a few days ago and I told Him. It was surprisingly easy. I shy away from telling Him when I am needy - something about asking for care makes me feel like I am not sincerely serving - but He was okay and though He did not do anything to ease my mind immediately things are definitely ramping up.

The night after our conversation He trussed me up and laid into me with a few things. It is so hard to figure out sometimes because He is as likely to hit me with the handles of His tools as the actual business end. Its a killer really because a fair amount of metal comes into play and nothing is quite so unforgiving. During every session He gets at least two shots in on a particular part of my upper back to one side up above my shoulder blade - I am probably not describing it right - it is the most painful thing you can do to me - it kills - its like his money shot though - my reaction is so priceless it does Him in.

So on this particular night He decides he is going to rather unceremoniously shove it in my ass. Generally speaking I am a fan! However I find the day after I usually need to have easy access to the restroom and I knew that the next day my schedule was solid. I had back to back classes all day from 8:45 through dismissal and generally speaking it is frowned upon to run out on kindergartners so you can go tend your aching backside.

So here I am tied up like a Christmas goose and gagged, having (essentially) asked to be used and I start freaking out because I do not want to have problems at work the next day. I totally broke down. I'll give Him props though - He stopped and rubbed my back until I calmed down then went back to working my pussy. Thankfully He did not untie me. I do not think I could have handled it if He had stopped cold - I needed Him to finish. Of course He sent her the pictures...

Last night He took me over his knee for a little work with the belt. Hopefully tonight He will finish what He started the other night!

Regardless - there is only one more week of school - then I have a small surgical procedure (should only lay me up for a day or two) and I can get into my service full time for a couple of months without having to deal with my pesky job (though I really do love the little buggers).

Have a great weekend!

Yeah!

No cancer -

You know I had no reason to ever think there would be - but the doctors really play on your mind. They treat the whole thing with such urgency - rightfully so, I suppose, had it actually been cancer. So that, even knowing my history and having no real reason to suspect that the lump found was ccancerous your brain starts running toward the 'what if...'

I have to go Thursday to have the stitches out. I am not looking forward to that. The recovery has been surprisingly painful.

I wish that He were here to take care of me. When I got the call from my doctor I did not have anyone even to celebrate with. I had not really spoken to anyone about what was going on and my boys were already booked up with their friends.

Where He is He can not even call home - and I have no means to contact Him. So I had to wait for Him to call before I could even tell Him the news. Then He called and I had 4 minutes to tell Him everything that was going on here. That's it. 4 minutes.

I left a nasty email for Him telling Him that I did not think He should call again. Then a follow up explaining myself. I do not know when He will have a chance to check His email - it could be a few days from now so I am riding out the temptation to sign into His account and delete what I sent. I have not as of yet because even if He is hurt or angry I feel He should be aware of my feelings.

His Girl called His cell phone and left a message for Him but I did not listen to it. I emailed Her to let Her know that He is out of the country and asking if She was just saying Hi or She needed something but I have not heard back yet. Must say - I played with the idea of asking Her to spank me in His absence - but without His say so I am not sure either of us is willing to risk making that decision on our own.

I am having a rough time being completely independent. I'll stop my rambling now....

Post-Op

So I had that surgery yesterday and ya know – it was bad. I love it when people tell you something is no big deal only to find out it is. But it is done for now and I just have to wait for the lab reports. I see him for the post op next week so nothing to do between now and then but figure out how I am going to camouflage the obvious swelling and padding on one side of my chest so I can return to work without looking strange. They gave me vicodin for the pain but I can not really take it – I am really into being clear headed and vicodin makes me sleepy and fuzzy. I will give Tylenol a shot and see if that takes care of the pain.

On another note I realized the other day that by the time I get spanked next it is going to be something like 2 months in between. I mentioned it to Him and he was decidedly unapologetic. He did not want to spank me while I had a lump – I was seeing doctors and He felt it best to not send me off with bruises. Now I am recovering and as I discovered with my leg He will not touch me when I am in pain. Funny, really, if you think about it. He leaves in two days.

I am not okay with that. I was never thrilled with the idea of Him going away. I have not ever really been away from Him and I do not see any reason to be, even more so now waiting to find out if I have a larger medical concern. I wish He would not leave and even though it is incredibly selfish I want nothing more than for Him to cancel His trip and stay here with me.

It is not going to happen. He is going to go and I had better just buck up and get over it. I have a plan to throw myself whole heartedly into preparing for the little one’s high school graduation. I am going to focus on a different thing every day so that his graduation week runs perfectly smoothly. Let’s see how that goes….

Blah

I am having surgery to remove a lump in my breast next Monday. I am scared.

DP Dreams

Lately I have been obsessing about the idea of having sex with multiple men. There is an element of non consent to my fantasies but really it has more to do with the idea of being stuffed. I love that feeling of being spread to the point of pain and even though there is a fair amount of simulation in our activities I have never had the experience of human double penetration.

I feel like I have become almost pathological in my desire for this experience. My porn viewing has turned almost exclusively to group sex and double penetration. I search for that moment in a video where the second cock goes in and I see the look on the girl’s face. It is only really good for me if there is a face shot with a little obvious pain. I want that.

I have a go to video. A girl getting fucked by two black guys. The look on her face is outstanding. I can literally go back and forth on that moment and have a continuous slew of orgasms just by watching her expression.

Anyhow – up until this point in our relationship there has never been another male sexually involved. The closest we have ever come was to have another couple having sex on the same bed as us. Plenty of women – but never a man.

The thing I need to be clear on is that we are not looking for anything ongoing. I would never wish to have another steady male involved with us and more importantly He would never allow it. Frankly as much as I desire being used by other men I need there to be an element of force (His dominance over me) to counterbalance my disgust.

We were getting closer.

There is a group in my area that meets once a month for gangbangs at a local hotel. He and I have spent a lot of time discussing the idea of participating and He decided to attend last month to see how it was. I pinged all night thinking about Him out and about but alas it was not to be. Though prepared to participate He found the situation not to His level at all and came home somewhat disgusted.

I can not tell you how disappointed I am. He had been torturing me with the idea. A hierarchy of sorts. He would go check it out. Then I would attend as a non participant with Him and watch Him fuck other girls. I would be forced to clean Him and take care of His needs while receiving no release of my own. Then He would bring me back and make me available for use. Hot – Hotter – Hottest.

He says He will not attend again. I was really excited by the idea but ironically He says that I would not have even wanted to stay if I had been there. But I hope that this is not the end of my possibilities at being on the receiving end of multiple attentions. I need it.

A crowbar? Seriously?

I am a little concerned about His arrival home today. He will be angry when He gets here and while He is entitled I do not really know how I am going to react.

I hung up on Him today. I was laying on the basement floor, having tripped on a crowbar my son left in front of the washer and in tremendous pain and He called. I was cursing and crying and it hurt so bad. He decided this was the time to reprimand me for cursing so I hung up on Him. Then when He called back I ignored the phone.

Yes, a crowbar. Go figure.

Less then a year ago I fell and broke my leg. Bad enough that I how have plates and screws holding the damned thing together. Things are not healing well and I am in almost constant pain. Though usually a dull ache - at times it brings me to tears. I will need a second surgery this summer. So when my ankle started to twist I tried really hard to protect it and wound up hurting my back as well.

I was planning to talk to my doc about scheduling the surgery on Monday when I bring my son in to have his back checked. Now I am wondering if I am going to wind up seeing him sooner anyway.

I think I should get a pass for the hang up.

Could it get any more 'nilla

So we are alone for the evening... Boys are gone, not to return till the wee hours. Our big plans are to watch Bolt. What fun.

Confusion Abounds

So today's beating was anything but lackluster. It was an outlet for displaced aggression - which in a way does not serve me but then I suppose that is really not His concern. He landed one between my shoulder blades with the crop that reduced me to tears. He seems to like to land one or two there every time He wields the crop no matter how many times I plead for Him to avoid that spot.

Thing is - I am not really sure where we stand right now. After He untied me He ordered me to suck Him and I balked. Again He did not stand firm. So what does that mean?

Why am I defiant in the face of what I want. I love servicing Him - why would I refuse? Am I intentionally being defiant so that He will assert some dominance over me?

Why does He take no for an answer? He is more than happy to tie me to the bed and beat me while I cry and rub my face in His pillow but will not stand firm on a simple command? Honestly - does He think it is fine to welt me but it is too much to make me suck His dick?

What now? If He is not going to be in charge maybe I should not have His collar. He says it's removal would devastate me and I think that He is right. I can not imagine how I would feel with no service in my relationship at this stage of my life. I need it like I need light. But at the same time it is similarly devastating to have the symbol without consistent enforcement. I feel at odds with the expectation and my uncertainty about the expectations on my behavior make me just as unhappy as I would be with none.

In fact it might be worse for me right now to deal with the inconsistency than the absence of expectation in my behaviors.

I suppose only time will tell how this works through in the long haul. He and I have been together a long time and there is still a long way ahead of us.

Service

You know - it is actually kind of interesting but I have this guy who I talk to sometimes via email. We began corresponding in an interesting manner – I had a friend way back in the day – 18 years ago – who I completely lost touch with. The whole situation is complicated but since then I have moved and changed so dramatically I never expected to hear from him again.

Lo and behold this holiday season I got a Christmas card – nothing dramatic just a ‘hope you and your family are doing well’ type of thing.

Well boy did that throw me for a loop - I really had no interest in dishonoring Him and so I was not even sure if I should or should not respond. Of course He had no opinion. I might have liked a little ‘NO- you most certainly will not respond.’ (Protect me for God’s Sake – I am sick of having to be strong).

Eventually I put a message on the list of Craig in his town thinking he would email. He did not – yet this other did and now we write every once in a while.

He knows but is disinterested. Really how concerned does He have to be considering my commitment to Him?

I have indicated that I am service oriented to this other and been explicit in my commitment to my Man however he obviously does not understand the relevance of the relationship – fine. He may be a little innocent and I have no need to divulge the pathology of my behavior.

However...

I have been off and trying hard to understand how I am feeling – but tonight – writing to this other I was finally able to figure out what my issue is.

You see I AM service oriented so when my service is not required I am out of sorts. If I define my worth by my ability to care for Him then what am I worth when I am not serving? How am I supposed to feel when my service is not required and how do I remain in a constant state of preparedness when I am not being utilized?

And why am I not being used? Have I done something displeasing? Have I lost the attraction and desire of the most important individual in my life – the one who provides my purpose? What is to become of an unused slave? I indicated a lackluster spanking and honestly that is what it was. Yesterdays beating lacked the passion of a true encounter – it felt like it was being done to placate my desires…

How does that work? My desire is to provide His outlet not to make Him work at hurting me. If I do not fill Him with desire then what am I to Him? A job?

I really need Him to want me again.

Not Feeling It

You know I am just not feeling it right now. I have been a little turned off the blog thing since my last post - I realized that I am using the blog to complain and that was certainly not my intention.

But my issue is really that I am just not feeling it. Owned that is. I said it aloud a few minutes ago and he gave a cursory grunt of acknowledgement that I had spoken but did not follow up for clarification.

I have been looking for attention lately but I am not getting any - not allowed to masterbate my libido is flagging - the teasing and pushing is being ignored. I am starting to feel like I can do what I want. Even the spanking earlier was lackluster.

I guess there are better things to do.

If I sound like I am whining - it's because I am.

Cranky

I am oddly off. I do not really know why things seem so dire these days but I know I am not really reacting effectively to many thing in my life. On a positive note, I have noticed a more regular appearance of domination in my relationship and I must say that, to a certain extent, it excites me. I want the strength I see from Him when He is not lethargic in his expectations. After such a prolonged period I find at times we definitely fall into a rut and things revert to the vanilla. For an upsurge in dominance to be occurring unbidden by me is almost to much to ask for. I am giddy in my desire.

In other aspects of my life I am at a loss. Tonight for no particular reason the inevitability of my little son's departure for college life hit me like a ton of bricks. I want him to move off, stretch his ties to me and learn to be who ever he is to become. Yet, we still eat together most nights and the idea of his absence feels like a knife to the heart. Honestly, no one really understands me the way he does. He and I are so scarily similar and open with each other it borders on pathological. We see each others souls.

My job is driving me to drink. Never one for the grape I have developed the habit of a glass with dinner most evenings. Without it I lay awake at night obsessing over informal observations and lesson plan checks. Thing is, I am damned good at my job. I truely love my students and have the ability to effectively teach even though I am often not really sure how the lesson will play out. I am just stuck in a really aggressive and hostile environment unfortunately brought on primarily by the other educators and not necessarily the administrators. It is an environment dominated by fear.

My mother makes me crazy and the guilt of feeling that way is unbearable. My dog is days away from death after 17 years of extrordinary doggy perfection. My eldest a wonderful, sweet and kind train wreck when it comes to career or educational attainment. I am lonely, cranky and as always horny with no outlet until He decides to provide for me.

I am needy.

Rode hard and put away wet.

Thank God! I needed that last night. Now we are on our way on a little road trip. He says I am going to be wearing the egg all day – I think I would prefer the sting of the nipple clips a little more than the hum of elusive orgasms – but as I have said before it is not really my decision to make.

Yesterday during our afternoon commute we were discussing the poly situation. I had read somewhere (collarme – slave register – literotica – some message board) a comment stating that couples looking to add an additional sub should be aware that it is not really an attractive proposition for a third to come into a relationship as a beta. I had been mulling this for a few days because I can kind of see the point but at the same time I was curious what His take on the subject would be.

The fact of the matter is that even though we are the primary relationship – and our relationship will remain of paramount importance in all that we do – in the lifestyle I would be more the beta than His girl. The fact is that the addition of the third is, in part, to degrade me. He wants to watch me eat his cum out of her. He wants me to be a non participant while they enjoy each others company. He wants me tied in the corner, unable to move or masturbate while they lick and suck and fuck. He has even forewarned me that He will allow her to beat me when the time comes. At first I thought this was an idle threat. I did not really believe He would allow it knowing how opposed I am to being beaten by a woman. However from the tone of recent conversations it seems more like a plan then a threat.

I find this ridiculously sexy. I have in the past served Him while He was with another. Charged with making sure she was prepared for Him I had the pleasure of servicing one of the finest pussies I had ever encountered. I am eager to regain my position in service to Him while He pleasures another. I want to be the one abused by their whim.

*Unable to sleep at three am my fingers found their way to my pussy. Rationalizing that the stress relief would help me sleep and it was silly to wake Him for permission I began drawing out what promised to be a shattering orgasm. As I neared the first He stirred, rolled over and inquired about what was wrong. I told Him I couldn’t sleep – but did not confess. Is not the denial of an orgasm so close punishment enough?

Infraction three – no confession. I am on the road to something awful.

Picture...

So I added a picture - but I am not really sure how I feel about having my ass out there - As you can see I am a bigger girl and though generally happy with how my body performs I am bashful about how others will react to it.

He chose which one to post - which in itself is odd since He doesn't show any actual interest in ever reading what I have wrote. Which also seems odd to me - I think if I knew someone was writing about me I would be compelled to read what they had wrote.

Incidentally I am really horny - right next to Him on the couch - accessible...

He is busy looking for someone else...

His girl is still in the picture - just really busy right now taking care of some work related things - I fear I might actually miss her more than He does. But I guess that is a topic for another day.

I'm sad

I am feeling surprisingly down today and I do not really know what it is all about. Oddly nothing has been really different. Life goes on. There has been some nonsense lately but even that has just been the normal stuff of life. Illness, school, teenagers, money issues - they all happen. So why am I so sad?

I was relieved when I got through January without a breakdown – now here I sit in the last days of February – with the end in sight – sitting at work with tears welling up in my eyes. I finally left my room and all the crazies that congregate there before classes start and went across the hall to sit in the corner of my co-workers room.

Ironically, we are not even friends. We have nothing to say. Here we sit – her working – me hand writing a blog entry I will type into my computer when I get out of here. In silence.

He noticed that I was quiet driving in today. He thinks that I know why I am sad and that I just do not want to say - but truly I don’t. I worry because it came on after a rather normal morning round for us. He, of course, is partial to morning sex – I not so much -b though I long ago gave up any say in the matter – and honestly being the greedy slut that I am I am not one to turn down an orgasm no matter what the time of day. But as I was saying there really wasn’t anything different about the manner in which we found each other this morning.

As usual he told me to get started- get wet for him – then to get him hard – suck it bitch – He wanted me on my side this morning – to keep working my pussy – to get wetter – he tugged and twisted my nipples – but I wasn’t there and I couldn’t get there.

Finally he told me to get on my knees so he could dump his cum in me. Usually at the end I get one of three commands – or some combination of the three. Go clean up – don’t you dare clean up - or clean me up. This morning - nothing – he pulled out, wiped himself on my ass and started getting ready to leave.

I know he is disappointed in me but I don’t know how to fix something when I do not know what is wrong with me. I don’t even want to try to talk this out because I do not want him to think I am complaining – or that I am unhappy with the sex. I love the sex and I love his control of my life.

I hope I can get back to my self before I pick him up this afternoon.

It has been a while...

I realized yesterday that it had been a while since my last straight up regular otk spanking. I have had plenty of crop, duct tape, nipple clamps, pinching, pulling, twisting and some belt – but no spanking….

So in true crack head fashion what do I do? I sit here and casually say to him… ‘you know it has been a while since I was spanked…’

Yeah.

Not more than an hour later where do I find myself but over his knee. Great. I missed this? Of course he doesn’t use his hand but his trusty leather slapper. Lovely. My ass looks like a gibbons.

Deliberate Bratting

I have heard plenty of commentary about what happens when the submissive suddenly decides they no longer wish to submit or what is wrong when the masochist no longer enjoys the pain but what is the deal when the dominant no longer wants to use their slut?

Honestly I am a little frustrated. I need to be used so badly but I feel like everything is becoming so cursory. I am desperate to be patient. I know that my place is to bend to His will. I understand that it is His choice to use or not use me as He sees fit but truly I am to the point where I am starting to feel desperate.

I return to work tomorrow and I am totally down about it. I feel like it would be so much easier to contend with the stupidity that awaits me if I had a sore bottom or an abused cunt to remind me of my place in the world. Alas I do not think it is to be. He seems to be perfectly content to pass the time today with an assortment of movies. I have offered to service Him on a couple of occasions but He can not be bothered. I do not really want to be throwing myself at Him but I am needy.

I am not that girl who brats to get in trouble - though He did tell His girl that I am. I swear that I do not brat to deliberately get my ass whooped.

All the same – I am tempted.

Kaya's Getting to Know You Post....

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Perspective

I always feel like I have so much to say – then no words come. I want to be profound but I feel that anything I have to say on just about any topic is really only relevant to me and my life.

We have just returned from a quick trip to another state. We went in search of a new vacation destination – leaving our children and our real lives behind. It was wonderful. I bare the bruises of being duct taped and cropped and the glow of being well fucked. My tits are sore and my ass is on fire.

Returning home always leaves me at odds with my life – as fortunate as I am I still wish for more. I do not want to be consumed by the realities of life. I do not want to deal with bills and progress reports. I want to forget that I am anything other than his.

Post Script

I had begun writing this post last night then was sidetracked by domestic service. This morning I woke to find a friend had e-mailed to inform me of her impending double mastectomy, scheduled for the coming Monday. I feel like an ass for being so frivolous and consumed with my own petty desire when I should be thankful for the things I do have. I am really rich in life and I take it for granted.

10 Questions

How much of me are you willing to sacrifice to please her? If she wanted to hear it would you beat me? Make me beg, plead, scream or cry? If it brought you closer to her would you allow her to dictate what was done to me? Would you rip into my ass with your cock on her say so? Would you let her decide with what and where to hit me? If she urged you, would you hit me harder and bring me to tears for her?

Would I love it? Would my cunt gush at the hard use I suffer to accommodate the lust you have for another? Would I want more?

I crave the taste of her cum on your cock.

Disrespect

He came in as I was turning off the water – with no chance to dry off I was soaking wet and completely exposed against the white tile. He laid into me with a vengeance and while my usually bruise resistant ass tells the tale today, oddly I did not even feel it. I buried my head in my towel and cried while the blows landed because I knew He was right. And even though later in the supermarket it seemed nothing was wrong I can not forgive myself for the disrespect.

BDSM Lite

I was thinking today that the concept of ‘sceneing’ is somewhat foreign to me. Nothing we do is ever scripted out or planned to the degree necessary to be considered a scene (at least that I know of). It makes me wonder again – because even though I feel like we are doing what is right for us - if we would even fit in with the general BDSM community.

Things are so sporadic for us - for example, this morning when we woke up we had some ‘nice’ tit torture followed by some manual/oral relief for him…. and a little something for me. The whole thing was completely unplanned and lasted about 40 minutes. Then we went grocery shopping so I could start the cooking for the week. When I was done cooking he brought me upstairs, duct taped me (one of the offspring was home) cropped me soundly and screwed my cunt sore. Again it was completely unplanned and only about 30 minutes in duration. Now we are watching TV and while I am pretty sure there will be another round before bed tonight I don’t think he is giving what we will do a second of thought.

So what’s the deal? Is this BDSM lite? My left breast is killing me and my thighs are on fire – this works for us – does it matter that we do not have hours long sessions with elaborate set ups? Even HE defers to the idea that individuals who participate in the community or own commercially made apparatus are somehow better at living the life than we are.

But how is that so? Granted that we have had prolonged periods of vanilla over the course of our twenty odd year relationship but I have always been submissive and he has always called the shots. Fact remains he has been tying me up and beating my ass, and sticking his dick wherever he likes, whenever he likes for twenty two years and I would STILL have performance anxiety in a public venue because I am scared that people are just too judgmental out there.

Still I find myself wanting more then ever to be around individuals who are like minded. I can not relate to the negative way that some people I am in contact with respond to their mates and I am eager to be around others who believe in treating their men with respect. I live in an area where this should not be an issue. I know that there are public venues and private parties in my immediate area. I know how to contact people and where the munches are and I still can not do it. I am filled with fear of not fitting in – of not being accepted. Maybe we are too soft.

His Girl

I have spent the last day e-mailing back and forth with my man’s girl. I do not know what the hell is going on with the two of them but I wish they would just get on with it. They have been sort of doing this dating dance forever – spending time together but always stopping just on the verge of actual sex - honestly I do not see what either one of them gets out of it.

He says that she can not accept the fact that it does not bother me. Honestly if there is any question after the last e-mail I sent then perhaps she is not that interested and he should maintain their relationship as a friendship. They might be more suited to friendship anyway – she seems to be more attracted to the type of ‘Doms’ that treat women like shit – and while he is skillful with a whip and cruel to my poor little nipples - he remains a generous lover and an attentive Master.

I know, however, that he would be disappointed if they lost their way with each other. He really appreciates her as a person – thinks that she is smart, funny and kind – which makes her exactly the type of person he would like to bend.

Truthfully I would be disappointed as well. It has been a long time since the last long term girl. We have known this girl for years and I love that they are mentally in sync with each other. I was looking forward to them being together.

I wonder how this is all going to work itself out…

Insecurities Abound

I resisted the urge to begin a blog the whole time that I was off work – then started one as soon as I returned to my job. Doesn’t make much sense does it? I maintained at the time that I really do not have enough to say to actually warrant having a blog. My life is really pretty simple. My kids are busy – in and out with school, work and friends. My job is demanding and my relationship is wonderful.

But then again – not.

I am oddly insecure these days and I really do not understand what is happening to me. I have always been so busy – first as a housewife, then as a housewife working on her degree, then starting my career while finishing my schooling – there was never enough time and I think that we both became accustomed to lowered expectations and independent activities.

Suddenly – I am done. The pressures of being new to my career are abating and I finally finished my post graduate work. The kids are older and we are finally free to ramp up our activity level. I am wanting.

Unfortunately our desires are out of sync now. He has become accustomed to leaving me be to complete my work and I no longer have work to complete. I want attention. I am here and ready but weekdays have become almost kink free zones. I am submissive but I do not serve.

Thing is – now that I have the time – and he does not seem to have the interest – I am starting to feel bad about my place.

But then tomorrow is Friday – the weekend is here – and suddenly I will have to put all my insecurities aside to satisfy my man. It’s not that easy to make the switch.

Why Now

I imagine that at some time in the not to distant future the question of 'why now' will come up in my house. You see I actually have not directly addressed the issue of this blog with my man. I have a book I write in, a journal of sorts, dedicated to things related to our relationship and he reads it sporadically and I did e-mail him even though we were in the same room but I have not directly asked about blogging. I know the question will be why I feel the sudden need to express myself about the manner in which we conduct our relationship.

Over the past twenty odd years that he and I have been together we have lived very much embracing traditional gender roles. I was responsible for maintaining the hearth and home while he went in search of the fatted calf. There was a definite division of labor and it was understood that my purpose was to make his life as nice as possible in any way possible. It worked. The house was clean, the offspring were well cared for, our bellys were full and the sex was frequent and kinky. Girlfriends, his and ours, came and went but the base always remained.

Life trudged on - the offspring got older and I recently completed my education and returned to work, but I found myself earlier this year with an inexplicable amount of time to fill and nothing but a computer and books. Enter the blogs.

You are all probably well aware how addicting the damned things are.

Anyhow - I think the blogs have caused a fair amount of insecurity for me. I read how things are for others and I can relate, or I want more, or I wonder if we are doing something wrong. I ponder and analyse and I am making my self crazy. But having no kinky support I can not exactly talk to anyone about anything I feel besides my man and frankly if I were him I would be fed up by now. So here I am in need of support.

100 Things

I was not really sure how to go about introducing myself on this blog so I thought it might be interesting to post 100 things about me. I never realized how difficult it could be to come up with 100 generic things about myself, especially not wanting to give away too much information about who I am. Given the fact that the purpose of starting this blog is to give myself a place to express myself and my evolving feelings about my relationship much of this information is sexual in nature - though not as extreme as I would like - if you are easily offended you will probably want to find another place to explore.

100 things about me

100. I was a teenage bride.

99. I miss the town I grew up in.

98. I do not think I am as smart as people think I think I am.

97. I lack drive even though I always seem to be busy.

96. I do not really have a favorite anything.

95. I love to be hot.

94. I do not even turn on the cold water in the shower or when washing dishes.

93. Sweat totally grosses me out.

92. I could happily never speak to most of my birth family again.

91. I might miss one of my sisters a little.

90. I cry myself to sleep when I am away from my man for the night.

89. Even though I ask not to be peed on – I really do not mind.

88. I think about sex constantly.

87. If my man is in the room – I am probably ready.

86. I am almost always on line if I am home.

85. I never wear makeup.

84. I get my hair cut – maybe – twice a year.

83. I am intimidated by most people.

82. I hate making any sort of decisions.

81. I can not stand to shop.

80. I miss spending time with friends.

79. I lack the ability to cultivate new friendships.

78. Even though I have sex several times a week I want much more.

77. I love having my man’s dick down my throat.

76. My nipples ache from wanting attention.

75. I wash up every time I go potty in case I am needed.

74. I am disappointed more often than not.

73. I hate shaving.

72. But I am accustomed to being bare.

71. I want more rules.

70. I want protocol.

69. My man is satisfied the way things are.

68. I prefer thud on my bottom.

67. My man prefers to give sting.

66. He gets upset by black and blue.

65. I bruise really easy.

64. I want to be around people who know I serve him.

63. But we do not socialize in the lifestyle.

62. I love for him to be with other women.

61. The idea is enough to satisfy him.

60. I want to suck another off him.

59. I do not think he is motivated.

58. I crave humiliation.

57. I like to be told I am a filthy slut.

56. I like having things shoved into me.

55. I would not be opposed to a train.

54. I would never wish to be disciplined by a female.

53. I am curious if I could take a beating from a man who did not love me.

52. I think tattoos are tacky.

51. I want one that marks me as his.

50. I wear a collar at all times.

49. It is a padlocked chain.

48. I think I pushed the issue of collaring.

47. I do not think it means much to him.

46. I fear being too dependent.

45. Because I think he does not want the burden.

44. I wish I did not feel like I am a burden.

43. We have two grown children.

42. I think the younger one knows.

41. I think he recognizes my neediness.

40. I did not realize how insecure I am until I started writing this.

39. I do not want to be anywhere near anyone else’s butt hole.

38. But I do not mind a stiffy in mine.

37. I would like to be restrained during my beatings.

36. Being told when to cum makes me lose the ability.

35. Receiving oral sex makes me extremely uncomfortable.

34. But I cum like a banshee.

33. I am addicted to pornography.

32. I love big, bald, black men.

31. The bigger the better.

30. I like it when he writes on me.

29. Sometimes he writes messages to his girl on my belly.

28. I get horny looking at the pictures.

27. I have had three broken bones – one of which was broken twice.

26. He refused to spank me when I was recovering from the last one.

25. It made me feel horribly insignificant and worthless.

24. I recently completed my education.

23. But I would like to take a class over the summer for fun.

22. I wake up ridiculously early.

21. And have problems staying up past ten.

20. But I rarely sleep through the night.

19. I miss smoking.

18. But I love not having the cough anymore.

17. I was once quite the party girl.

16. Now most people think I am uptight.

15. Which I find really amusing.

14. My fingers smell vaguely like pussy.

13. Because I have a hard time keeping them out of my cunt.

12. Even though I am supposed to have permission to masturbate.

11. He is selective in enforcing that rule.

10. And I am selective about remembering it.

9. Though I am a good girl about other things.

8. I will probably contradict myself at times.

7. Because often my desires are at odds with each other.

6. We have no ‘safe word’.

5. Though we joke that it is, “Don’t poop on me.”

4. I call him Sir.

3. He is exactly what I need – though probably nicer than I want.

2. I thought the best days of my life were when I was 19.

1. But now I know the best is yet to come.

Enjoy!
EmmyBlue