Disrespect

He came in as I was turning off the water – with no chance to dry off I was soaking wet and completely exposed against the white tile. He laid into me with a vengeance and while my usually bruise resistant ass tells the tale today, oddly I did not even feel it. I buried my head in my towel and cried while the blows landed because I knew He was right. And even though later in the supermarket it seemed nothing was wrong I can not forgive myself for the disrespect.

BDSM Lite

I was thinking today that the concept of ‘sceneing’ is somewhat foreign to me. Nothing we do is ever scripted out or planned to the degree necessary to be considered a scene (at least that I know of). It makes me wonder again – because even though I feel like we are doing what is right for us - if we would even fit in with the general BDSM community.

Things are so sporadic for us - for example, this morning when we woke up we had some ‘nice’ tit torture followed by some manual/oral relief for him…. and a little something for me. The whole thing was completely unplanned and lasted about 40 minutes. Then we went grocery shopping so I could start the cooking for the week. When I was done cooking he brought me upstairs, duct taped me (one of the offspring was home) cropped me soundly and screwed my cunt sore. Again it was completely unplanned and only about 30 minutes in duration. Now we are watching TV and while I am pretty sure there will be another round before bed tonight I don’t think he is giving what we will do a second of thought.

So what’s the deal? Is this BDSM lite? My left breast is killing me and my thighs are on fire – this works for us – does it matter that we do not have hours long sessions with elaborate set ups? Even HE defers to the idea that individuals who participate in the community or own commercially made apparatus are somehow better at living the life than we are.

But how is that so? Granted that we have had prolonged periods of vanilla over the course of our twenty odd year relationship but I have always been submissive and he has always called the shots. Fact remains he has been tying me up and beating my ass, and sticking his dick wherever he likes, whenever he likes for twenty two years and I would STILL have performance anxiety in a public venue because I am scared that people are just too judgmental out there.

Still I find myself wanting more then ever to be around individuals who are like minded. I can not relate to the negative way that some people I am in contact with respond to their mates and I am eager to be around others who believe in treating their men with respect. I live in an area where this should not be an issue. I know that there are public venues and private parties in my immediate area. I know how to contact people and where the munches are and I still can not do it. I am filled with fear of not fitting in – of not being accepted. Maybe we are too soft.

His Girl

I have spent the last day e-mailing back and forth with my man’s girl. I do not know what the hell is going on with the two of them but I wish they would just get on with it. They have been sort of doing this dating dance forever – spending time together but always stopping just on the verge of actual sex - honestly I do not see what either one of them gets out of it.

He says that she can not accept the fact that it does not bother me. Honestly if there is any question after the last e-mail I sent then perhaps she is not that interested and he should maintain their relationship as a friendship. They might be more suited to friendship anyway – she seems to be more attracted to the type of ‘Doms’ that treat women like shit – and while he is skillful with a whip and cruel to my poor little nipples - he remains a generous lover and an attentive Master.

I know, however, that he would be disappointed if they lost their way with each other. He really appreciates her as a person – thinks that she is smart, funny and kind – which makes her exactly the type of person he would like to bend.

Truthfully I would be disappointed as well. It has been a long time since the last long term girl. We have known this girl for years and I love that they are mentally in sync with each other. I was looking forward to them being together.

I wonder how this is all going to work itself out…

Insecurities Abound

I resisted the urge to begin a blog the whole time that I was off work – then started one as soon as I returned to my job. Doesn’t make much sense does it? I maintained at the time that I really do not have enough to say to actually warrant having a blog. My life is really pretty simple. My kids are busy – in and out with school, work and friends. My job is demanding and my relationship is wonderful.

But then again – not.

I am oddly insecure these days and I really do not understand what is happening to me. I have always been so busy – first as a housewife, then as a housewife working on her degree, then starting my career while finishing my schooling – there was never enough time and I think that we both became accustomed to lowered expectations and independent activities.

Suddenly – I am done. The pressures of being new to my career are abating and I finally finished my post graduate work. The kids are older and we are finally free to ramp up our activity level. I am wanting.

Unfortunately our desires are out of sync now. He has become accustomed to leaving me be to complete my work and I no longer have work to complete. I want attention. I am here and ready but weekdays have become almost kink free zones. I am submissive but I do not serve.

Thing is – now that I have the time – and he does not seem to have the interest – I am starting to feel bad about my place.

But then tomorrow is Friday – the weekend is here – and suddenly I will have to put all my insecurities aside to satisfy my man. It’s not that easy to make the switch.

Why Now

I imagine that at some time in the not to distant future the question of 'why now' will come up in my house. You see I actually have not directly addressed the issue of this blog with my man. I have a book I write in, a journal of sorts, dedicated to things related to our relationship and he reads it sporadically and I did e-mail him even though we were in the same room but I have not directly asked about blogging. I know the question will be why I feel the sudden need to express myself about the manner in which we conduct our relationship.

Over the past twenty odd years that he and I have been together we have lived very much embracing traditional gender roles. I was responsible for maintaining the hearth and home while he went in search of the fatted calf. There was a definite division of labor and it was understood that my purpose was to make his life as nice as possible in any way possible. It worked. The house was clean, the offspring were well cared for, our bellys were full and the sex was frequent and kinky. Girlfriends, his and ours, came and went but the base always remained.

Life trudged on - the offspring got older and I recently completed my education and returned to work, but I found myself earlier this year with an inexplicable amount of time to fill and nothing but a computer and books. Enter the blogs.

You are all probably well aware how addicting the damned things are.

Anyhow - I think the blogs have caused a fair amount of insecurity for me. I read how things are for others and I can relate, or I want more, or I wonder if we are doing something wrong. I ponder and analyse and I am making my self crazy. But having no kinky support I can not exactly talk to anyone about anything I feel besides my man and frankly if I were him I would be fed up by now. So here I am in need of support.

100 Things

I was not really sure how to go about introducing myself on this blog so I thought it might be interesting to post 100 things about me. I never realized how difficult it could be to come up with 100 generic things about myself, especially not wanting to give away too much information about who I am. Given the fact that the purpose of starting this blog is to give myself a place to express myself and my evolving feelings about my relationship much of this information is sexual in nature - though not as extreme as I would like - if you are easily offended you will probably want to find another place to explore.

100 things about me

100. I was a teenage bride.

99. I miss the town I grew up in.

98. I do not think I am as smart as people think I think I am.

97. I lack drive even though I always seem to be busy.

96. I do not really have a favorite anything.

95. I love to be hot.

94. I do not even turn on the cold water in the shower or when washing dishes.

93. Sweat totally grosses me out.

92. I could happily never speak to most of my birth family again.

91. I might miss one of my sisters a little.

90. I cry myself to sleep when I am away from my man for the night.

89. Even though I ask not to be peed on – I really do not mind.

88. I think about sex constantly.

87. If my man is in the room – I am probably ready.

86. I am almost always on line if I am home.

85. I never wear makeup.

84. I get my hair cut – maybe – twice a year.

83. I am intimidated by most people.

82. I hate making any sort of decisions.

81. I can not stand to shop.

80. I miss spending time with friends.

79. I lack the ability to cultivate new friendships.

78. Even though I have sex several times a week I want much more.

77. I love having my man’s dick down my throat.

76. My nipples ache from wanting attention.

75. I wash up every time I go potty in case I am needed.

74. I am disappointed more often than not.

73. I hate shaving.

72. But I am accustomed to being bare.

71. I want more rules.

70. I want protocol.

69. My man is satisfied the way things are.

68. I prefer thud on my bottom.

67. My man prefers to give sting.

66. He gets upset by black and blue.

65. I bruise really easy.

64. I want to be around people who know I serve him.

63. But we do not socialize in the lifestyle.

62. I love for him to be with other women.

61. The idea is enough to satisfy him.

60. I want to suck another off him.

59. I do not think he is motivated.

58. I crave humiliation.

57. I like to be told I am a filthy slut.

56. I like having things shoved into me.

55. I would not be opposed to a train.

54. I would never wish to be disciplined by a female.

53. I am curious if I could take a beating from a man who did not love me.

52. I think tattoos are tacky.

51. I want one that marks me as his.

50. I wear a collar at all times.

49. It is a padlocked chain.

48. I think I pushed the issue of collaring.

47. I do not think it means much to him.

46. I fear being too dependent.

45. Because I think he does not want the burden.

44. I wish I did not feel like I am a burden.

43. We have two grown children.

42. I think the younger one knows.

41. I think he recognizes my neediness.

40. I did not realize how insecure I am until I started writing this.

39. I do not want to be anywhere near anyone else’s butt hole.

38. But I do not mind a stiffy in mine.

37. I would like to be restrained during my beatings.

36. Being told when to cum makes me lose the ability.

35. Receiving oral sex makes me extremely uncomfortable.

34. But I cum like a banshee.

33. I am addicted to pornography.

32. I love big, bald, black men.

31. The bigger the better.

30. I like it when he writes on me.

29. Sometimes he writes messages to his girl on my belly.

28. I get horny looking at the pictures.

27. I have had three broken bones – one of which was broken twice.

26. He refused to spank me when I was recovering from the last one.

25. It made me feel horribly insignificant and worthless.

24. I recently completed my education.

23. But I would like to take a class over the summer for fun.

22. I wake up ridiculously early.

21. And have problems staying up past ten.

20. But I rarely sleep through the night.

19. I miss smoking.

18. But I love not having the cough anymore.

17. I was once quite the party girl.

16. Now most people think I am uptight.

15. Which I find really amusing.

14. My fingers smell vaguely like pussy.

13. Because I have a hard time keeping them out of my cunt.

12. Even though I am supposed to have permission to masturbate.

11. He is selective in enforcing that rule.

10. And I am selective about remembering it.

9. Though I am a good girl about other things.

8. I will probably contradict myself at times.

7. Because often my desires are at odds with each other.

6. We have no ‘safe word’.

5. Though we joke that it is, “Don’t poop on me.”

4. I call him Sir.

3. He is exactly what I need – though probably nicer than I want.

2. I thought the best days of my life were when I was 19.

1. But now I know the best is yet to come.

Enjoy!
EmmyBlue