Confusion Abounds

So today's beating was anything but lackluster. It was an outlet for displaced aggression - which in a way does not serve me but then I suppose that is really not His concern. He landed one between my shoulder blades with the crop that reduced me to tears. He seems to like to land one or two there every time He wields the crop no matter how many times I plead for Him to avoid that spot.

Thing is - I am not really sure where we stand right now. After He untied me He ordered me to suck Him and I balked. Again He did not stand firm. So what does that mean?

Why am I defiant in the face of what I want. I love servicing Him - why would I refuse? Am I intentionally being defiant so that He will assert some dominance over me?

Why does He take no for an answer? He is more than happy to tie me to the bed and beat me while I cry and rub my face in His pillow but will not stand firm on a simple command? Honestly - does He think it is fine to welt me but it is too much to make me suck His dick?

What now? If He is not going to be in charge maybe I should not have His collar. He says it's removal would devastate me and I think that He is right. I can not imagine how I would feel with no service in my relationship at this stage of my life. I need it like I need light. But at the same time it is similarly devastating to have the symbol without consistent enforcement. I feel at odds with the expectation and my uncertainty about the expectations on my behavior make me just as unhappy as I would be with none.

In fact it might be worse for me right now to deal with the inconsistency than the absence of expectation in my behaviors.

I suppose only time will tell how this works through in the long haul. He and I have been together a long time and there is still a long way ahead of us.

Service

You know - it is actually kind of interesting but I have this guy who I talk to sometimes via email. We began corresponding in an interesting manner – I had a friend way back in the day – 18 years ago – who I completely lost touch with. The whole situation is complicated but since then I have moved and changed so dramatically I never expected to hear from him again.

Lo and behold this holiday season I got a Christmas card – nothing dramatic just a ‘hope you and your family are doing well’ type of thing.

Well boy did that throw me for a loop - I really had no interest in dishonoring Him and so I was not even sure if I should or should not respond. Of course He had no opinion. I might have liked a little ‘NO- you most certainly will not respond.’ (Protect me for God’s Sake – I am sick of having to be strong).

Eventually I put a message on the list of Craig in his town thinking he would email. He did not – yet this other did and now we write every once in a while.

He knows but is disinterested. Really how concerned does He have to be considering my commitment to Him?

I have indicated that I am service oriented to this other and been explicit in my commitment to my Man however he obviously does not understand the relevance of the relationship – fine. He may be a little innocent and I have no need to divulge the pathology of my behavior.

However...

I have been off and trying hard to understand how I am feeling – but tonight – writing to this other I was finally able to figure out what my issue is.

You see I AM service oriented so when my service is not required I am out of sorts. If I define my worth by my ability to care for Him then what am I worth when I am not serving? How am I supposed to feel when my service is not required and how do I remain in a constant state of preparedness when I am not being utilized?

And why am I not being used? Have I done something displeasing? Have I lost the attraction and desire of the most important individual in my life – the one who provides my purpose? What is to become of an unused slave? I indicated a lackluster spanking and honestly that is what it was. Yesterdays beating lacked the passion of a true encounter – it felt like it was being done to placate my desires…

How does that work? My desire is to provide His outlet not to make Him work at hurting me. If I do not fill Him with desire then what am I to Him? A job?

I really need Him to want me again.

Not Feeling It

You know I am just not feeling it right now. I have been a little turned off the blog thing since my last post - I realized that I am using the blog to complain and that was certainly not my intention.

But my issue is really that I am just not feeling it. Owned that is. I said it aloud a few minutes ago and he gave a cursory grunt of acknowledgement that I had spoken but did not follow up for clarification.

I have been looking for attention lately but I am not getting any - not allowed to masterbate my libido is flagging - the teasing and pushing is being ignored. I am starting to feel like I can do what I want. Even the spanking earlier was lackluster.

I guess there are better things to do.

If I sound like I am whining - it's because I am.

Cranky

I am oddly off. I do not really know why things seem so dire these days but I know I am not really reacting effectively to many thing in my life. On a positive note, I have noticed a more regular appearance of domination in my relationship and I must say that, to a certain extent, it excites me. I want the strength I see from Him when He is not lethargic in his expectations. After such a prolonged period I find at times we definitely fall into a rut and things revert to the vanilla. For an upsurge in dominance to be occurring unbidden by me is almost to much to ask for. I am giddy in my desire.

In other aspects of my life I am at a loss. Tonight for no particular reason the inevitability of my little son's departure for college life hit me like a ton of bricks. I want him to move off, stretch his ties to me and learn to be who ever he is to become. Yet, we still eat together most nights and the idea of his absence feels like a knife to the heart. Honestly, no one really understands me the way he does. He and I are so scarily similar and open with each other it borders on pathological. We see each others souls.

My job is driving me to drink. Never one for the grape I have developed the habit of a glass with dinner most evenings. Without it I lay awake at night obsessing over informal observations and lesson plan checks. Thing is, I am damned good at my job. I truely love my students and have the ability to effectively teach even though I am often not really sure how the lesson will play out. I am just stuck in a really aggressive and hostile environment unfortunately brought on primarily by the other educators and not necessarily the administrators. It is an environment dominated by fear.

My mother makes me crazy and the guilt of feeling that way is unbearable. My dog is days away from death after 17 years of extrordinary doggy perfection. My eldest a wonderful, sweet and kind train wreck when it comes to career or educational attainment. I am lonely, cranky and as always horny with no outlet until He decides to provide for me.

I am needy.