Confusion Abounds

So today's beating was anything but lackluster. It was an outlet for displaced aggression - which in a way does not serve me but then I suppose that is really not His concern. He landed one between my shoulder blades with the crop that reduced me to tears. He seems to like to land one or two there every time He wields the crop no matter how many times I plead for Him to avoid that spot.

Thing is - I am not really sure where we stand right now. After He untied me He ordered me to suck Him and I balked. Again He did not stand firm. So what does that mean?

Why am I defiant in the face of what I want. I love servicing Him - why would I refuse? Am I intentionally being defiant so that He will assert some dominance over me?

Why does He take no for an answer? He is more than happy to tie me to the bed and beat me while I cry and rub my face in His pillow but will not stand firm on a simple command? Honestly - does He think it is fine to welt me but it is too much to make me suck His dick?

What now? If He is not going to be in charge maybe I should not have His collar. He says it's removal would devastate me and I think that He is right. I can not imagine how I would feel with no service in my relationship at this stage of my life. I need it like I need light. But at the same time it is similarly devastating to have the symbol without consistent enforcement. I feel at odds with the expectation and my uncertainty about the expectations on my behavior make me just as unhappy as I would be with none.

In fact it might be worse for me right now to deal with the inconsistency than the absence of expectation in my behaviors.

I suppose only time will tell how this works through in the long haul. He and I have been together a long time and there is still a long way ahead of us.