Cranky

I am oddly off. I do not really know why things seem so dire these days but I know I am not really reacting effectively to many thing in my life. On a positive note, I have noticed a more regular appearance of domination in my relationship and I must say that, to a certain extent, it excites me. I want the strength I see from Him when He is not lethargic in his expectations. After such a prolonged period I find at times we definitely fall into a rut and things revert to the vanilla. For an upsurge in dominance to be occurring unbidden by me is almost to much to ask for. I am giddy in my desire.

In other aspects of my life I am at a loss. Tonight for no particular reason the inevitability of my little son's departure for college life hit me like a ton of bricks. I want him to move off, stretch his ties to me and learn to be who ever he is to become. Yet, we still eat together most nights and the idea of his absence feels like a knife to the heart. Honestly, no one really understands me the way he does. He and I are so scarily similar and open with each other it borders on pathological. We see each others souls.

My job is driving me to drink. Never one for the grape I have developed the habit of a glass with dinner most evenings. Without it I lay awake at night obsessing over informal observations and lesson plan checks. Thing is, I am damned good at my job. I truely love my students and have the ability to effectively teach even though I am often not really sure how the lesson will play out. I am just stuck in a really aggressive and hostile environment unfortunately brought on primarily by the other educators and not necessarily the administrators. It is an environment dominated by fear.

My mother makes me crazy and the guilt of feeling that way is unbearable. My dog is days away from death after 17 years of extrordinary doggy perfection. My eldest a wonderful, sweet and kind train wreck when it comes to career or educational attainment. I am lonely, cranky and as always horny with no outlet until He decides to provide for me.

I am needy.