Service

You know - it is actually kind of interesting but I have this guy who I talk to sometimes via email. We began corresponding in an interesting manner – I had a friend way back in the day – 18 years ago – who I completely lost touch with. The whole situation is complicated but since then I have moved and changed so dramatically I never expected to hear from him again.

Lo and behold this holiday season I got a Christmas card – nothing dramatic just a ‘hope you and your family are doing well’ type of thing.

Well boy did that throw me for a loop - I really had no interest in dishonoring Him and so I was not even sure if I should or should not respond. Of course He had no opinion. I might have liked a little ‘NO- you most certainly will not respond.’ (Protect me for God’s Sake – I am sick of having to be strong).

Eventually I put a message on the list of Craig in his town thinking he would email. He did not – yet this other did and now we write every once in a while.

He knows but is disinterested. Really how concerned does He have to be considering my commitment to Him?

I have indicated that I am service oriented to this other and been explicit in my commitment to my Man however he obviously does not understand the relevance of the relationship – fine. He may be a little innocent and I have no need to divulge the pathology of my behavior.

However...

I have been off and trying hard to understand how I am feeling – but tonight – writing to this other I was finally able to figure out what my issue is.

You see I AM service oriented so when my service is not required I am out of sorts. If I define my worth by my ability to care for Him then what am I worth when I am not serving? How am I supposed to feel when my service is not required and how do I remain in a constant state of preparedness when I am not being utilized?

And why am I not being used? Have I done something displeasing? Have I lost the attraction and desire of the most important individual in my life – the one who provides my purpose? What is to become of an unused slave? I indicated a lackluster spanking and honestly that is what it was. Yesterdays beating lacked the passion of a true encounter – it felt like it was being done to placate my desires…

How does that work? My desire is to provide His outlet not to make Him work at hurting me. If I do not fill Him with desire then what am I to Him? A job?

I really need Him to want me again.